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Jules: What the fuck! Jill: You suffer from despair. Abe: How comfy that would be. Abe: Your paper is quite good. Jill: I'm blushing! Sam: What's so funny? Riggan: I can't smell it. Riggan: Listen to me. I'm trying to do something important. Sam: This is not important. Riggan: It's important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me... To me... this is - God. This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something. Sam: Means something to who? You had a career before the third comic book movie, before people began to forget who was inside the bird costume. You're doing a play based on a book that was written 60 years ago, for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it's over. And let's face it, Dad, it's not for the sake of art. It's because you want to feel relevant again. Well, there's a whole world out there where people fight to be relevant every day. And you act like it doesn't even exist! Things are happening in a place that you willfully ignore, a place that has already forgotten you. I mean, who are you? You hate bloggers. You make fun of Twitter. You don't even have a Facebook page. You're the one who doesn't exist. You're doing this because you're scared to death, like the rest of us, that you don't matter. And you know what? You're right. You don't. It's not important. You're not important. Get used to it. Sam: Dad.. Mike: Does she speak? Sam: She does. Yeah, she can sit, stay, and roll over if you have any treats. Olive Penderghast: I was used to being by myself, but I had never felt more alone. Gwen Stacy: Really? You web me to a car? What are you a cave man? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: You shouldn't be here. Gwen Stacy: Tie me up to go off to war? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Did you get my message? Gwen Stacy: What message? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: The message on the... Gwen Stacy: Oh that message...that was you? I couldn't make it out... Peter Parker/Spider-Man: I'll tell you what it says...it says I love you...because I love you...and no offense but you're wrong... Gwen Stacy: Wrong? Wrong about what? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Wrong about us being on different paths...we're not on different paths...you're my path...and you're always going to be my path...and I know there are a million reasons why we shouldn't be together...but I'm tired of them...I'm tired of every single one of them...we all got to make a choice...right? well I choose you... Gwen Stacy: I know that we all think we're immortal, we're supposed to feel that way, we're graduating. The future is and should be bright, but, like our brief four years in high school, what makes life valuable is that it doesn't last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don't waste it living somebody else's life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short or even if we fail... what better way is there to live? Gwen Stacy: I know we all think that we are immortal. We are supposed to feel that way - we are graduating. But like our brief 4 years in high school, what makes life valuable is that it doesn't last forever. What makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days, to remind us that time is luck. So, don't waste it living someone else's life. Make yours count for something; fight for what matters to you no matter what. Cuz even if we fall short, what better way is there to live? Gwen Stacy: It's easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day like today, but there will be dark days ahead of us, too. There will be days when you feel alone, and that is when hope is needed most. No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel, you must promise me that you will hold onto hope. Keep it alive. We have to be greater than what we suffer. My wish for you is to become hope - people need that. And even if we fail, what better way is there to live? As we look around here today, at all the people who helped make us who we are, I know it feels like we are saying goodbye, but we will carry a piece of each other into everything that we do next, to remind us of who we are and who we are meant to be. Hilly Holbrook: They carry different diseases than we do. That's why I've drafted the Home Health Sanitation Initiative. Skeeter Phelan: That what? Hilly Holbrook: A disease-preventative bill that requires every white home to have a separate bathroom for the colored help. It's been endorsed by the White Citizen's Council. Skeeter Phelan: Maybe we should just build you a bathroom outside, Hilly. Gwen Stacy: What makes life valuable is that it doesn't last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don't waste it living someone else's life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Harry Osborn: [snarls; looks at Gwen and Spider-Man; laughs] Peter. When you said Spider-Man said "no", you meant you said no! Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Harry, what did you do? Harry Osborn: What you made me do. You were my friend. And you - BETRAYED - ME!! Peter Parker/Spider-Man: No, I was trying to protect you. Harry Osborn: [laughs] Look at me! Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Hey, it's gonna be okay. This is gonna be alright. Harry Osborn: You don't people hope. You take it away. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: No, Harry - Harry Osborn: I'm gonna take away yours. [flies towards Gwen] Peter Parker/Spider-Man: No, Gwen! Run! [Harry grabs Gwen and flies away; Peter follows] Harry! Harry, put her down! [climbs up the tower; fires webs at Harry] Harry, stop this right now! This isn't you, Harry! This is not you! Harry, put her down! Gwen Stacy: Harry - Harry Osborn: HARRY'S DEAD!! Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Harry, this is between you and me! You wanna fight? Fight me! Let her go! Harry Osborn: Okay... [drops Gwen] Peter Parker/Spider-Man: No! [jumps up to catch Gwen] Gwen Stacy: I break up with you. Gwen Stacy: nice to met you, max Max Dillon/Electro: whait, she remember my name Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Harry, let her go! Gwen Stacy: Harry Harry Osborn: Harry is dead! Skeeter Phelan: Oysters are a vehicle for crackers and ketchup. Gwen Stacy: Did your traffic thing have anything to do with, I don't know, being shot at by machine guns? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Yeah, I was implying that. Gwen Stacy: You're Spider-Man and I love that, but I love Peter Parker more. Grug: Everyone! You have to listen to me! Eep: We would be dead if we listened to you! We have to follow guy now. Grug: Guy!! Ugga: Guy! Run! Stuart Whitworth: I've never met a woman that says exactly what she's thinkin'. Skeeter Phelan: Well, I got plenty to say. Elaine Stein: Who was it? Skeeter Phelan: (sees her mother) My mother? Skeeter Phelan: My mother? Olive Penderghast: I told everyone! Well, actually I told one person, but you know how these things work. It's like wildfire. Ellen Malloy: How's your HPV? Neil: It's your HPV, Veronica. I'm just carrying it. Sgt. Jerry Wooters: Don't go. Grace Faraday: Don't let me. Hannah: Oh, you think coffee and sleep don't go together? Well they do if it's High Point. It's decaffeinated! Hannah: Oh, you think coffee and sleep don't go together? Well, they do if it's High Point. It's decaffeinated! Natalie: What if Oliver is one of those guys who wants to have, like, a conversation with a girl before he hooks up with her. Shelley Darlington: He's gay? Natalie: Work it. Work it. You're like a supermodel, except more pregnant. Olive Penderghast: I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes-on-before. Thanks for asking. Marianne: I just hope for your sake you had the good sense to use protection. Olive Penderghast: Why? Your parents didn't. Rosemary: You know, I dated a homosexual once. Actually I dated him for a long time. Olive Penderghast: Oh god, please don't tell me you married and had two kids with him. Olive Penderghast: I could have chlamydia. I have been... whoring around a lot. Mrs. Griffith: No, honey. No you haven't. Because a real whore can't even admit it to herself, let alone another person. Olive Penderghast: I don't think letting Peter Hedlin motorboat you behind a Bed, Bath, and Beyond really makes you a super slut. Olive Penderghast: Looks like someone's practicing the mundane activity she'll be saddled with the rest of her pathetic life. Olive Penderghast: Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome? Olive Penderghast: Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you abominable twot. Rhiannon: You're being pretty cavalier about this. Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit? Olive Penderghast: Yes... I believe so, if I was the Gossip Girl in Sweet Valley of the Travelling Pants. Rosemary: I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation. Olive Penderghast: Why? Rosemary: Because I slept with a whole bunch of people. Mostly guys. Olive Penderghast: Mom! Sgt. Jerry Wooters: Don't go. Grace Faraday: Don't let me. Grace Faraday: He'll kill you if he finds out! Sgt. Jerry Wooters: Who? Grace Faraday: Mickey! Sgt. Jerry Wooters: Mickey Mouse? Skeeter Phelan: (On the phone with Ms. Elaine Stain from New York City) I'd like to write somethin' the the help. Skeeter Phelan: [on the phone with Ms. Elaine Stain from New York City] I'd like to write somethin' the the help. Skeeter Phelan: (To Stuart) I'm sorry, but you were droppin' your head as an infant or were you just born stupid?. Skeeter Phelan: [to Stuart] I'm sorry, but you were droppin' your head as an infant or were you just born stupid? Hannah: Daddy? Jacob: Please, stop calling him that. Jacob: You know at the end of the film, where Patrick Swayze lifts the girl up in the air? I put that song on, the women jump into my arms and then they want to have sex with me. Hannah: It's not going to work on me. Gwen Stacy: How did you get up here? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: The fire escape. Gwen Stacy: That's twenty stories. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Your doorman's intimidating. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: I've got to stop him, because I created him. Gwen Stacy: That's not your job... Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Maybe it is. Gwen Stacy: Don't get me into trouble. Do NOT touch anything! Peter Parker/Spider-Man: No No No Connors is on the way. He's coming to you right now, he wants the dispersant device, he's gonna infect the whole city! Peter Parker/Spider-Man: No. No. No. Connors is on the way. He's coming to you right now, he wants the dispersant device, he's gonna infect the whole city! Gwen Stacy: There's 8 minutes left. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: You're gonna wait there for 8 minutes after what I've just told you? You leave right now, that is an order. Gwen Stacy: I need to get everybody out. Hilly Holbrook: That's why I'vr drafted the Home Health Sanitation Initiative. Skeeter Phelan: The what? Johnny Foote: A disease-preventative bill that requires every white home to have a separate bathroom for the coloured help. It's been endorsed by the White Citizens' Council. Skeeter Phelan: Maybe we should just build you a bathroom outside, Hilly. Skeeter Phelan: I got a job today. Charlotte Phelan: Where? Skeeter Phelan: The Jackson Journal. Charlotte Phelan: Great. You can write my obituary! "Charlotte Phelan, dead. Her daughter still single!" Charlotte Phelan: Great. You can write my obituary! 'Charlotte Phelan, dead. Her daughter still single!' Hilly Holbrook: That's why I've drafted the Home Help Sanitation Initiative. Skeeter Phelan: The what? Hilly Holbrook: A disease-preventative bill that requires every white home to have a separated bathroom for the colored help. It's been endorsed by the White Citizen's Council. Skeeter Phelan: Maybe we just build you a bathroom outside, Hilly. Hannah: I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. What? You think coffee and sleep donâ??t mix? Well they do if itâ??s high point... its decaffeinated! And the flavor is MARVOLOUS! Hannah: I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. What? You think coffee and sleep don't mix? Well they do if it's high point... its decaffeinated! And the flavor is MARVOLOUS! Skeeter Phelan: I'm sorry, but were you dropping your head as an infant or were you just born stupid? Gwen Stacy: Easy there bugboy. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: What did you call me? Gwen Stacy: So what's next Spider-Man? Olive Penderghast: So it was time to put an end to this once and for all by telling my side of the story. And that's why I decided to do this webcast. So here we go. Part Five: Not with a fizzle, but with a bang. Olive Penderghast: Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I think that's how you're supposed to start these things.I'm only going on what I've seen in the movies. Where do I even start? I've been pretending to be a - how would one phrase it in Catholic words? A harlot. It's not like I've actually been doing the things that people are saying I'm doing, but - then again - I'm not denying them, so I've just been wondering: is that wrong? It was just that a lot of people had been asking me to do things and I thought it was okay, because it wasn't real. It was make-believe and no one was getting hurt. But a lot of people hate me now. [Tearing up] I kind of hate me, too. I could be wrong, but aren't you supposed to say something or ask mequestions. Tell me to say 'Hail Marys'? Hello? Olive Penderghast: Ironically, we were studying "The Scarlet Letter", but isn't that always the way? The books you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. Except for "Huckleberry Finn", 'cause I don't know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy. Olive Penderghast: Ironically, we were studying "The Scarlet Letter", but isn't that always the way? The books you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. Except for 'Huckleberry Finn', 'cause I don't know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy. Olive Penderghast: I started piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga. Olive Penderghast: Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. This is my side, the right one. Rosemary: Not to mention how have you been dressing this past few day. No judgement, but you kind of look like striper Rosemary: Not to mention how have you been dressing this past few day. No judgement, but you kind of look like striper. Olive Penderghast: Mom! Dill: A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes. Olive Penderghast: Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by "magic" I mean "nothing." Olive Penderghast: Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by 'magic' I mean 'nothing.' Woodchuck Todd: Hey Olive! You left your glass slipper at the party the other night. Olive Penderghast: Yea and I got pumpkin all over my dress too. C'est La Vie. Woodchuck Todd: La Vie. Olive Penderghast: Nice! Solid joke. Woodchuck Todd: Screw all these people, Olive! Olive Penderghast: Haven't you heard? I already did. Olive Penderghast: Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. Olive Penderghast: Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome? Olive Penderghast: That's the one thing that trumps religion... capitalism. Marianne: There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency. Olive Penderghast: Tom Cruise? Gwen Stacy: (to her father) I don't want cocoa. I got lots of homework. I'm having woman cramps. Gwen Stacy: [to her father] I don't want cocoa. I got lots of homework. I'm having woman cramps. Gwen Stacy: [opens the door to the hallway] No, Dad, I do not want cocoa. Honestly, I'm 17 years old. George Stacy: Okay, I just thought I remembered somebody saying last week that her fantasy was to live in a chocolate house. Gwen Stacy: Well, thatâ??s impractical! [she shuts the door, then reopens it] And fattening. [closes the door again] Gwen Stacy: Well, that's impractical! [she shuts the door, then reopens it] And fattening. [closes the door again] Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Chocolate house? Marianne: Perhaps you should sew an A on your wardrobe, you abominable twit. Olive Penderghast: Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe, you abominable twat. Olive Penderghast: Oooooh, BURN! Gwen Stacy: Easy... bugboy. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: What did you just call me? Woodchuck Todd: Hey Olive. Olive Penderghast: Oh my God! The illusion is shattered! This is exactly why they put you in the gas chamber if you take your head off at Disney World. Woodchuck Todd: Actually I think they just, you know, they fire you. You're thinking of Disneyland. Disney World is much more liberal. Olive Penderghast: Oh yeah! I always forget Disney World went blue in the last election. Ben Parker: She looks familiar. That's the girl on your computer! to Gwen He's got you on his computer. I'm his probation officer. to Peter Don't forget Aunt May. exits Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Heh... character, my uncle. He's a pathological liar, and he thought you were someone else. Gwen Stacy: Aww man, you don't have me on your computer? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Well yeah. I mean, I took a photo of the debate team, and you're on the debate team. So... he must've seen me; I was touching up stuff. Gwen Stacy: laughs "Touching up stuff?" Gwen Stacy: laughs 'Touching up stuff?' Peter Parker/Spider-Man: I'm not gonna answer that! Gwen Stacy: "He's one of Midtown Science's best and brightest. He's second in his class." Gwen Stacy: He's one of Midtown Science's best and brightest. He's second in his class. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: I'm gonna throw you out the window now. Gwen Stacy: What?! Gwen Stacy: Oh I'm in trouble.. Gwen Stacy: How'd you get out there? Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Fire escape. Gwen Stacy: It's twenty stories. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Your door man is intimidating. Olive Penderghast: If there's one thing worse than chlamydia, it's Florida. Gwen Stacy: My father has 500 officers looking for you. Gwen Stacy: My Dad has five hundred officers looking for you. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: 500? that seems a bit excessive. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Five hundred? That seems a bit excessive. Gwen Stacy: You're a wanted-man Peter Parker Gwen Stacy: You're a wanted man, Peter Parker. Olive Penderghast: What better way to share my private thoughts than to broadcast them on the internet? Woodchuck Todd: You okay? Olive Penderghast: I'm awesome, I'm awesome. Woodchuck Todd: Screw all these people. Olive Penderghast: Haven't you heard? I already did. Olive Penderghast: I just have something in my eye. Like a twig, or a branch. Olive Penderghast: Oh my god! I'm not judging you or anything - but, oh my god! Captain Stacy: So,tell us a little bit about yourself Mr.Parker. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Not much to tell really. Gwen Stacy: Peter lives with his aunt and uncle. Jean: I'd take me away from all this. Sgt. Jerry Wooters: No, mam. I was just hoping to take you to bed. Jean: He'd kill you if he finds out ya' know. Gwen Stacy: My Dad has five hundred officers looking for you. Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Five hundred? That seems a bit excessive. Stuart Whitworth: I've never met a woman that says exactly what she's thinking. Skeeter Phelan: Well, I got plenty to say. Dill: The family member of the week gets to pick the movie Olive Penderghast: You get family member of the week every week. Rosemary: And there's a reason for that. Olive Penderghast: Yeah, you pick family member of the week! Rosemary: Are you accusing me of nepotism? Rosemary: Olive, sweetie! There's a young manhere to see you. He said something about asking for your hand in marriage! Olive Penderghast: Oh happy day Mama! I thought I was going to have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. A gentleman caller! Gwen Stacy: Do not get me in trouble, don't touch anything! She says this to Peter LOL Gwen Stacy: Do not get me in trouble, don't touch anything! Hannah: Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Gwen Stacy: Ah! I'm in trouble.... Gwen Stacy: Ah! I'm in trouble... Robert "Fish" Fishman: 1991 called, they want their teen angst back. Amelia: They just called again, they want their joke back. Gwen Stacy: How'd you get out there?





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